The worst thing about eating out is other diners.
I donโt want to see humans noshing, couples huffing with each other, or labels poking out of the back of dresses. Iโm joking. I LOVE it. People-watching is one of the best things about restaurants.
My other half tells me not to stare as often as he says not to talk with my mouth full.
Sometimes, Iโm so absorbed, I forget that they can see me too.
Still, there are times when you need a little privacy for your tรชte-ร -tรชte. Thatโs especially when youโre a VIP or star, like moi, I say, in a Miss Piggy style. Five-star hotel The Balmoral, who have just taken on a new general manager, Andrew McPherson, has had its fair share of celebrities over the years, including, recently, somebody in the know told me, Judi Dench.
For them, and everyone really, thereโs their new Private Dining Room, with the monogram of their house Champagne, Charles Heidsieck, on the doors. Apart from that feature, the space is comfortable and neutral. It is available โon enquiryโ, seats up to ten people and is opposite their wine cellar - an ambient crypt for dusty bottles, each waiting for their cork to be popped.
Among other things, theyโll be doing vino and caviar tastings across both rooms.
As the new space is a sort-of antechamber in the corridor between the lounge and restaurant, which sadly lost its Michelin Star last year, thereโs nobody to interrupt your chats.
Their former head chef was Mark Donald, who has gone onto great things at The Glenturret Lalique, and now they have Matthew Sherry, who was previously at the - now sadly defunct - Castle Terrace Restaurant and has been here for two years.
I havenโt visited since Donaldโs day. Now, the food is slightly simpler, though still as beautiful.
If youโve booked the private dining room, they can give you a bespoke menu, or the standard seven-course tasting number for ยฃ115pp (add ยฃ85 for tasting wines, or ยฃ135 for prestige wines).
I tried that, on the last few days of their summer offering. That seemed apt - a last hurrah - especially since the season teased that she was leaving, but now the sun is cheekily poking its head around the door again.
Highlights of our meal included an Isle of Skye langoustine and a single ravioli, both in a rich puddle of marbled bisque, with a dot of N25 Oscietra caviar on the top that was black and glossy like a bramble.
Another course consisted of a bowlful of Isle of Wight tomatoes, in red and yellows as bright as Skittles, and garnish of pickled red onions rings and baby basil leaves.
I felt like the Aberdeen Angus sirloin would definitely cure my anaemia, thanks to three neat slabs of pink flesh, and a small heap of soft short rib on the side. Medication never tasted so good. There were also some leafy veggies, including baby gem, that were charred and topped with a knobbly crust.
The puddings also stood out, and not only because there were a pair of them. They donโt call me Gaby Two Desserts Soutar for nothing.
Apparently, they have hives on the roof of the hotel. Their resident bees have trackers on them, so they can see where they go, and this lot especially love to hang out round Arthurโs Seat. I imagine these monitors as tiny dog collars, but itโs a bit more technologically sophisticated than that, they say. Their Balmoral Honey pudding features the hiking bumblesโ output in a buttery yoghurt, with a honeycomb shaped tuile, for a few bites of balmy sweetness.
It was so good that Iโll forgive them for not having a chocolate-y pud, and instead giving me the gorgeous Leadketty Farm strawberries in a sort-of pink panna-cotta, with pale pineberries, Liliputan Gariguette strawberries and a Valrhona and vanilla ice-cream.
Lovely. Iโm not a huge fan of tasting menus these days. Iโm too fidgety, but this flowed and had as much balance as Simone Biles. Thus, they retained my undivided attention for every course.
So, if youโre a celebrity, who doesnโt want me to gawp at you all evening, moi would totally book the Private Dining Room.
Number One Restaurant
The Balmoral
1 Princes Street
Edinburgh
(0131 557 6727, www.roccofortehotels.com)
