‘Go on, order a caramel latte, we dare you!” said the sign on the blackboard outside one of Edinburgh’s best coffee purveyors.
I entered and ordered my artisan flat white, safe in the knowledge that I wasn’t one of those philistines who might stumble in for a grande gingerbread frappuccino and be mocked by tattooed youths.
According to a survey by coffee suppliers rijo42, 80 per cent of people don’t order what they want in a coffee shop because they’re embarrassed.
While tea is a kind, non-judgmental and nurturing drink, coffee is the Katie Hopkins of hot beverages.
So what does your cup of Joe say about you? (FYI it’s a minefield).
Cappuccino According to the aforementioned study, 41 per cent of respondents admitted that they’d be embarrassed to order one of these if a companion was opting for a more sophisticated double espresso. Also, double the amount of men than women think it’s now an old-fashioned drink. My less scientific study suggests that if they’re serving cakes in the cafe, a cappuccino drinker would probably go for a bakewell slice or battenberg. They read Take a Break, smoke and own a white poodle. (They haven’t heard of vaping, labradoodles or cockerpoos).
Latte It’s considered marginally less fusty than the above drink, but is a bit noughties (you’re probably also a big fan of Friends).
Flat white Ubiquitous and, thus, not that trendy any more. If you’re unorthodox and want it heated to a temperature higher than a baby’s bathwater or choose to go with “skinny” milk, then you lose even more trendy points. If you want sugar, ditto. “It’s a sweet espresso blend, it doesn’t need sugar,” the barista will say, full of hate, and your cool credentials will plummet ever further.
Double espresso You’re the sort of person who won’t hang out with a cappuccino drinker. More fool you, you don’t deserve them, or the licks from their nicotine-stained poodle.
Expresso Ultimate shame, you’ve pronounced it wrong. Get to the back of the queue.
Cortado, doppio or macchiato You holiday in Europe quite a lot.
Americano There’s something cold and serial-killer-ish about this drink. It’s probably Donald Trump’s favourite brew.
Cold brew, V60, pour-over You are a hipster, but you’d secretly prefer something milky.
Caramel latte You are a baby who would rather be drinking melted ice-cream than proper coffee. The trendy people in the coffee shop are laughing at you. Quickly change your order to tea.