A NEW restaurateur in Glasgow with impossible standards is seeking to hire a new member of staff, but chances are you are unlikely to fit the bill.

And given how high he’s set the bar, it’s a wonder how anyone could possibly hope to cut the mustard given one of the main criteria for the successful candidate is not to be “a total ****”.

In what could be the most brutally honest classified job advert in employment history, the owner of the new American diner set to open in the Clarkston area of south Glasgow pulls no punches with his opening lines.

First and foremost,  the owner – calling himself “Justin -” is overtly frank about the nature of the enterprise: “It’s a free-for-all. Seriously. I’m calling it an “American diner” because I’m American.”

The job advert posted on Gumtree

The job advert posted on Gumtree

 

This is the first of many eye-wateringly frank admissions regarding a role at his new café advertised as 25/30 hours a week but in reality will probably mean 45/hrs a week “right off the bat”.

You get the measure of the employer Justin is likely to be throughout the lengthy job posting, with passages including: “I have way too much sh*t to do in the next six weeks to be interviewing people I’m never going to hire.”

The American is also jettisoning more orthodox recruitment methods, explaining: “You know how long it takes to read 400 CVs? Too damned long. So don’t waste anyone’s time.”

“What you cannot do is be a pain in my b**ls because my life savings is on the line and I have to work with my wife all day so I don’t have time for any primadonna bulls**t.”

So, have you got what it takes to win “Justin” over? Well, may look at his criteria first before setting your mind to beating the hordes knocking on his door as we speak to the job.

THE PAY:

“The money is sh*t. It’s £7/hour and a cut of the tips. Don’t ask for more because I don’t have it. You’ll literally be making more than me because I am essentially working for free until the place is paid off.

“I’m dead serious about the money thing. Don’t come to an interview and then say it sounds great but you’ve got your kid’s school clothes to buy or whatever. I don’t care. There’s no money.”


THE HOURS:

“I will listen to your ideas and try your weird suggestions, but if I don’t love it we’re not doing it and that’s that. I’ll also let you order food for yourself at wholesale cost to compensate for the sh*te pay. That’s the best I can do.

“If you’re awesome and you have actual cooking skills, you’ll probably be my best friend and you’ll work 55 hours a week and I’ll let you put whatever horrible music you enjoy on the stereo and buy you beer.”


ATTRIBUTES:

“I don’t care if you’re super outgoing or actually mute. I don’t care if you’ve got tattoos. I don’t care if you only work in kitchens to get away from your horrible significant other.

“You can have a good degree of freedom. What you cannot do is be a pain in my balls because my life savings is on the line and I have to work with my wife all day so I don’t have time for any primadonna bullsh*t.”


JOB PERKS: 

“I will listen to your ideas and try your weird suggestions, but if I don’t love it we’re not doing it and that’s that. I’ll also let you order food for yourself at wholesale cost to compensate for the sh*te pay. That’s the best I can do.

“If you’re awesome and you have actual cooking skills, you’ll probably be my best friend and you’ll work 55 hours a week and I’ll let you put whatever horrible music you enjoy on the stereo and buy you beer.”

The job listing has since been pulled from Gumtree, which could mean “Justin” has already found the ideal candidate for the position. We can only hope.

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David Walsh

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